I Just Don't Know What To Say

Let me start by assuring you that everything is fine - or at least it was a couple of weeks ago, when we saw the baby's heartbeat on ultrasound. I have no reason to believe that things are still not fine. My morning sickness has subsided for the most part, but at 11w5d, that's perfectly normal. Other than fatigue and my very tender boobs, I've been pretty much asymptomatic. We never found out where the bleeding came from, but it doesn't really matter anyway.

I want to apologize, sincerely, for my absence. It shames me to say that I haven't written anything because I haven't had anything to say...and I haven't had anything to say because so far I have utterly failed at bonding with this pregnancy.

It's not like it was the first time. The first time I was in love from the day I found out. I was so really ridiculously thrilled to be pregnant. I was walking on sunshine. This time I don't feel much of anything. I'd hoped that it would change once we saw the heartbeat. It didn't. My husband cried when we saw her little heart thumping on the screen, but I didn't have much of an emotional response at all. I was glad, certainly, that things were all right...but only distantly.

I've tried to force myself to feel something. I've been telling more and more people, in hopes that their excitement would help me to make this real. I started buying baby clothes. I started making a baby registry. I've bought a book or two. And it still doesn't feel like anything.

The only explanation I have for my lack of emotion is that some part of me must be trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. Some part of me is staying distant so that if things don't turn out well...maybe it won't be as bad as last time. I don't want to think that way (and consciously, I really don't), but why else would I continue feel like this pregnancy is not a real part of my life yet?

I have no doubt that when the baby comes, I'll be head over heels in love. But I don't want to start feeling that way on the day she is born, I want to feel that way now. I want to trust that things will be all right and that we really will bring home a child this August.

Maybe it will change when I start feeling her kick, or when I start showing. Maybe it will change all at once, with no particular explanation for why, just like the day that I realized that I was ready to start trying for another baby. Maybe when I reach the second trimester, which is so very close now, whatever bit of leftover paranoia that I still have will leave me, and I can start to enjoy the thought of being a mom-to-be again.

I just don't know. But I am very grateful for all of the kindness that you all have shown me. I'll try to be better about writing. It's just very difficult right now.

A Good Weekend Makes For A Lazy Cycle

I'm still floating cheerfully on my natural high from an astounding weekend, which has resulted in my being rather lazy with temping, checking cervical mucus and cervical position, and spitting on my tiny microscope. I know you must be wondering, "What could have happened that was so wonderful that August has managed to relax her neurotic grip on ttc?" Allow me to share!

Thursday was like any other day, except for the fantastic dodgeball match we had that evening. I played better than I have all season: I threw further and more accurately, I dodged more quickly, and I caught more balls. My team lost the match (as per usual) but played competitively and managed to win four of the games - and I ended one of those games. There were three of us and two of them left, and I hit one of them out and caught the last guy's ball (he threw it at me while I was distracted with the other guy) in short order. The other team was friendly, playful, and overall a joy to play with.

Friday was a whirlwind of activity. I went to work, ran around like a madwoman trying to do as much as I could in four hours, before leaving to pick up my bridesmaid's dress from the seamstress at David's Bridal. I had about fifteen minutes to breath before I had to shower and dress for the rehearsal. I met the brides and their families at the hotel where the reception was going to be held, we drove to the church and rehearsed the ceremony, went to the restaurant for dinner (one set of grandparents was accidentally left behind at the hotel - d'oh!), and had a grand ol' time with our friends. After dinner, Marcus and I spent the night in the brides' apartment caring for their dog, while they spent the night in their plush hotel suite.

On Saturday we woke up, let the dog out to pee, went to my mom's house to pick up the wedding gifts that she'd bought, then went home, where I promptly panicked when I realized that I couldn't find the shawl to my gown, tore the house apart for half an hour looking for it, then remembered that I'd left it at my mother's house for safekeeping two weeks ago. I showered, grabbed my gown and my shoes, went BACK to my mother's house to pick up the shawl, then went to the hotel for wedding pictures and more running around like a crazy person. The ceremony was beautiful, the brides were gorgeous, and afterwards I got properly smashed at the reception (oh, the joys of waiting to ovulate) and danced my ass off (but not before being reduced to tears while offering a toast to the lovely newlyweds). My husband, who in our three years together has neither seen me drunk nor seen me dance, was absolutely tickled by the sight.

On Sunday morning, a friend and I took a three hour course called "Learn to Curl," where we learned the ins and outs of sliders, grippers, skips, houses, and stones. I had a certain advantage and learned how to shoot the stone rather quickly, as it requires a honed sense of balance - and as a mountain unicyclist, I can say pretty confidently that I am a well-balanced person. I've got to say that I absolutely love curling, and Marcus and I will be returning on Saturday to participate in their breakfast game.

Today is Tuesday, and my abs and thighs are still incredibly sore from dogding, dancing, and curling. I've got another dodgeball game tomorrow night, so hopefully my muscles will feel a tiny bit better by then. Even after all these months and all the frustration, a part of me is very grateful that I got to experience this weekend with no limitations. If I were pregnant, I would not have drank; and if I hadn't drank, I would not have relaxed enough to dance at my sister's wedding, which felt wonderful, as I haven't really danced in about 8 years! It may be a strange thing to be grateful for, but grateful I am. It was a wonderful, heartwarming, amazing celebration, and I'm glad that I got to fully partake.

Dodging, Ducking, Weaving

We had our first dodgeball match last night and I actually did pretty okay! Marcus came to cheer me on and soothe my nerves (I know, I know, it's pathetic to be nervous about a game of dodgeball, but I was always the kid that was lousy at sports), and on more than one occassion I looked up to see him absolutely cracking up at my smooth moves.

There were more than a few dramatic moments; at one point I even fell on the ground near the front line while three guys approached menacingly with their balls drawn (ha!). Through some miracle that I like to call You Throw Like A Toddler, all of them managed to miss me completely even though I was lying defenseless on the ground just meters away. I also managed to be the last woman standing in 3 or 4 games, and I even got a few people out. All in all, I wasn't too shabby.

I'm looking forward to next week's game! Marcus is going to bring the camcorder next time, so hopefully I'll have some amusing footage to share with ya'll next Friday.

Today is not a bad day. Marcus is coming to have lunch with me, which always makes my workday a little shorter. My weekend is full for a change; I've got a bridal shower to attend and a ton of cleaning to do to prepare for the post-anniversary party we're throwing next weekend.

Tell me, friends: Were you any good at sports when you were young? Which ones did you love and which ones did you hate (and why)?

A Sobering Reality

In the short amount of time since my Little Green Kitten post, two of the women I know have already lost their pregnancies.

An Upgrade In The Bedroom

I took the day off from work today, as I have the privilege of sitting around waiting for our new bedroom set to be delivered. It includes a nice little cherry sleigh bed - a considerable upgrade from our old set-up (a futon mattress on the floor...yeah) - a dresser, mirror, chest, and a couple of nightstands. The best part about it is the fact that it's all free, courtesy of my parents as a belated wedding gift!

Other than that, there's nothing much going on. I'm fairly sure that Fertility Friend is mistaken about my ovulation date, as my temperature has now skyrocketed and my normal post-O symptoms have made an appearance (the main one being that my nipples now hurt VERY badly). If it's wrong, it won't admit it for a few days; and if it doesn't admit it at all, I'll almost certainly do a manual override and change the date. It's a very useful software, but it does have its failings, and overall I trust myself more than I trust it.

In either case, I'm now in the next phase of my cycle: Resisting the Urge to Test Compulsively, which is significantly less exciting and also more expensive than the preceding phase, Boning Like Rabbits. Here we go again.

The Little Green Kitten

Jealousy.

It's not with me nearly as frequently as it used to be. I'm not nearly as bitter as I was in the months after my miscarriage (though I'd be a liar if I claimed to be 100% bitterness free). But several of my friends and acquaintances seem to have fallen pregnant at the same time. One of my friends decided to start trying for a baby with her husband about 3 weeks ago...and now she is pregnant. Just like that!

Egads. I know that I've got no business whinging when it's only been a few months, but still...I just can't help but be a little jealous. I'm genuinely happy for my friends, I am. But I'm not going to lie about being a little envious as well.

I've tried something new over the past few weeks. I haven't been hiding my miscarriage, as if it were something to be ashamed of. If I'm talking to someone (who may or may not already know about it) and it becomes relevant to the conversation...I just talk about it. I talk about being pregnant. I talk about having miscarried. I talk about wanting children. As if it were normal, everyday conversation.

And I've found that people have responded. Not in the way that they used to, by averting their eyes, or changing the subject, or looking so uncomfortable and lost. But they've actually responded, and tried to relate to me even though I can tell they don't really know how.

When I hide my feelings about my loss, so do others. And when I step forward and open up about it, so do they.

............

Today is the last day to take a shot at Pregnant Lady Quiz 2. I'll be posting the answers tomorrow!

Yay or Nay?

1. Nosebleeds are a symptom of early pregnancy.
2. Semen contains an enzyme that can cause early labor.
3. The oldest woman to give birth was 61 years old at the time of delivery.
4. The worldwide average of weaning a child from the breast is four years old.
5. After the first trimester, amniotic fluid consists mostly of fetal urine.

Team Sports Are Good For TTC...Maybe?

My busy life just got even busier, thanks to my recent amazing feat of...accidentally signing up for a dodgeball team.

You read that right.

A few weeks ago, a friend was telling me about an adult social league that was getting started in the fall, and I told him that I was interested. He asked me for my email address, I gave it to him, and I soon started receiving mass emails from the organizers of the league. I didn't actually read any of the emails, as I hadn't made up my mind on whether or not I was going to join, until today. And today's email had a roster in it - with not just my name, but my t-shirt size on the list. I guess there was a miscommunication.

So I guess my mind has been made up for me, which I don't really mind because - well, it's dodgeball! And I'd love to play! If I happen to get pregnant before the 8 week season ends, I suppose I'll have to ask my doctor if playing dodgeball with slightly tipsy folks is on the long, long list of things that pregnant ladies are supposed to avoid. (Who am I kidding? It almost certainly is.)

P.S. I just realized that the title for this post could be interpreted to mean that the act of trying to conceive can be a team sport. Naturally, that's not what I meant, but it amuses me so I'm keeping it.

Lazy Sunday

I somehow managed to sleep in until almost noon today. And now that I've been awake for a couple of hours, I kind of want to go back to sleep again. My accomplishments for today consist of:

• Eating Cheerios
• Playing Guitar Hero
• Listening to the Beatles
• Accidentally locking the kitten in the master bedroom for 40 minutes (She didn't mind, she merely used the opportunity to nap beneath the dresser)
  

Before I know it, Tuesday will be here and I'll be left wondering how in the world the weekend managed to end so quickly with so little to show for it.

This is pretty much me today, if I were a pair of lazy animals instead of a single lazy person:



How is everyone's holiday weekend going so far?

Introducing "Sperm Meets Egg" Saturday!

It's been a boring day, but I suppose I shouldn't complain, as I've been aching for a chance to rest for the past week. Since I'm still adjusting to "real life" after my vacation, I really didn't get enough sleep during the work week at all, and it's kept me from writing a couple of terrific entries that have been brewing in my head for a while. I hope to get some real [blogging] work done tomorrow before the week starts all over again.

For those of you who haven't noticed (and I think that includes mostly everybody), I've kept an archive of the little Sperm Meets Egg cartoons that I post below my blog title. It's just something silly that I allow myself to have some fun with, and a new one used to get posted in the archive at 8:00AM EST every Monday. I have no idea why I initially picked Mondays, but I've decided that I like the sound of Sperm Meets Egg Saturdays much better. I'm just a sucker for alliteration.

The poll will be closing soon, for all of you who haven't voted yet. Surprisingly, the most difficult part of updating this blog has been trying to think of new poll questions, which is one of the reasons I let them run for so long. But I've found them very worthwhile, especially since I'm almost always surprised by the results, so I'll try my best to keep up with them.

I've been doing a lot of brainstorming about the kind of content I want on my blog. I've got ideas for regular articles, but I'm not quite sure how to get started on them just yet. I'm still largely in my experimental phase of blogging, and I haven't ruled out the possibility of creating a different blog altogether, so that I'll have one for strictly personal stuff and one for strictly informational stuff about pregnancy in general. So far I'm content with the mix here, but I wonder if I do my readers a disservice by not separating the two. If you've got an opinion either way, I'd love to hear it.

My Coworkers Apparently Don't Know Who I Am Anymore

I just had the following conversation with a guy at work.

Me: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Sony, hi! How are you?
Me: Um, did you just call me Sony?
Jim: Uh, yeah, I did. I have a Sony...thing...at home. I don't know...*incoherent mumbling*
Me: ...
Jim: ...

At least he didn't call me anything completely outrageous like Magnavox or Daewoo. The funniest thing is that I think he really would have continued the conversation unfazed if I hadn't noticed his error (and I almost didn't). I also can't help picturing a passionate scene in which Jim, caught up in the throes of lovemaking, accidentally calls out the name of his refrigerator instead of his lover.

"Oh, Kenmore, don't stop!"

You have to admit that it would make for an amusing TV ad.

Back Home

I'm back! Our week at the beach was absolutely fantastic, and it just happened to be the longest that Marcus and I have ever had off together. Even though my parents were there, it was pretty much the closest thing to a honeymoon we've ever had; and to say that we needed it would be a grave understatement.

Our trip was off to an awkward start, thanks to the directions we got from Google being only mostly accurate. But we did get there, and for the next week we stayed up late watching bad TV, slept in every day, took naps in the afternoons, and (we did more than sleep, I promise) just finally relaxed. In addition to the sleep, there was boogie boarding, tandem bike riding, lots of frozen custard, mini golf, go-karts, and a trip to the water park.

I also rode my unicycle up and down the boardwalk many times, which was always good for a laugh. It's fun to show off one's skills every once in a while.

I know that I promised lots of pictures, but to honest, we were having too much fun to take any. I only snapped this one shot of the sand directly in front of our balcony:



I don't know who Frank is, but I'm guessing he's not much of a daredevil. Or at least that's what this anonymous beach goer would have me believe. And I've gotta say, the inconsistency of using the lowercase "r" while the rest of the message is in uppercase almost makes this message an art form...almost. The Grammar Banshee inside me weeps.

The best part about coming home is seeing the cats again and getting to cuddle with them on the couch. I practically ran from the car into the house to make sure they were okay, even though my brother had been checking the cats and the house periodically throughout the week. Charlie and Rocky had obviously missed us, while Sega (pictured below looking slightly less evil than usual) didn't seem to hate us any more than she generally does. As far as I'm concerned, that means that all is well.



Today I'll be lounging about, doing some laundry, and preparing myself mentally for the return to the office tomorrow morning. I don't have any more vacation time to use until our wedding anniversary in October, so it's going to be a long couple of months until then.

How was everyone else's week?

Google Search Pop Quiz!

Which of these phrases entered into Google did not lead at least one person to this website?

1. "extreme burden law term"
2. "period was on 7/1, i haven't gotten my period, am i pregnant?"
3. "pregnant lady sexy"
4. "what happens if a pregnant woman goes on camping boat"

Answer: It's a trick question. They were all used to find my blog.

An Interesting Conversation With A Stranger

A couple weeks ago, as I made my way to the ATM in my office building, I ran into a coworker that had transferred into another department sometime last year. I don't see much of her anymore, which was always okay with me, because our work relationship had never gone past first base (i.e., inane chatter). We didn't have much to talk about because we didn't have anything in common.

For some reason this day, she seemed particularly keen to talk to me. Instead of the usual "Hi, how are ya, okay, bye now" that we usually exchange, she asked me about my husband. She asked me how I was enjoying married life (I love it, by the way), and after we talked about that for a few minutes, she lowered her voice to a whisper and asked me if we were thinking about having any children.

I get asked this question a lot, and I usually just shrug it off and say something noncommital like, "Dunno." But the question is often asked loudly, jovially, and I find it annoying that so many strangers are so interested in my sex life (let's face it, before a natural conception, that's what it is), so I don't take it seriously. But she wasn't loud, and she wasn't pushy; in fact, she seemed a little timid, as though she realized that she really was asking a very personal question and she was afraid that she might offend me. And I guess that's why I told her the truth.

"We're trying to conceive," I whispered back. "I was pregnant last year, but I miscarried."

"I'm so sorry," she said. "I miscarried my first pregnancy before I had my son."

And just like that, we soared past first and second base and ran all the way to third (sharing intimate information). We talked about our miscarriages, we talked about how we felt when we found out, we talked about the visible way our OB/GYNs shifted gears when the ultrasounds revealed no heartbeat, we talked about how our husbands mourned with us but not on the same level as us, we talked about the nurse at my job and how we cried in her office after returning to work. We talked about bleeding and uterine contractions. We talked about how you can tell the difference between women who have never suffered a loss and those who have. We talked about everything. At one point she started to tear up, and I kind of wanted to hug her, but I wasn't quite ready to take that next step to home base. And soon the conversation was over and we went our separate ways again.

I couldn't stop thinking about it afterwards. It was just so intimate and unexpected, and I didn't know how to feel and I guess I still don't know how I feel. But I am glad that it happened. I still sometimes feel very lonely, being the only one of my friends that has ever been pregnant and/or miscarried; not everyone can understand what it's like to lose something so dear that, as far as the everyday world is concerned, never existed in the first place. But I found a brief connection with a woman that I hardly even know; and it was a comfort.

............

Don't forget to try out my True or False quiz. So far we've got four contestants, and due to participant complaints (I'm looking at you, Nic) the prize has been upgraded from an invisible handshake to an invisible puppy. Leave your answers in the comments below.

Yay or Nay?

1. Pregnant women are recommended to forgo eating hot dogs.
2. The youngest mother on record was five years old.
3. Some women have experienced orgasm while giving birth.
4. A woman cannot get pregnant if she is breastfeeding.
5. Pregnant women should double their caloric intake.

I'll be posting the answers on Sunday!

The Busy Bee

I've resigned myself to another month without pregnancy. My due date, August 9th, is fast approaching, and I'll have no child to show for it when it does. Depressing is not the word for it.

In more pleasant news, I've been working hard on a couple of projects (this blog being one of them) which are keeping me delightfully busy and productive. Which is good, because otherwise I'd just spend all day playing topless Guitar Hero (I like to rock out with my, er, boobs out), trying to speak Cat to my dear furry ones, and licking my finger and then touching my husband with it. He hates that for some reason, despite the fact that it's freaking hilarious.

Also, I just realized that there is a typo in my poll. Unfortunately, Blogger won't let me fix it since people have already started voting. The Grammar Banshee inside me weeps.

Happy Birthday!

This post is for my dearest friend, who is celebrating her birthday somewhere on the West Coast today. I love you lady!

Other July 26 birthdays of note:

• Liberia gained its independence in 1847
  
• The infamous psychologist Carl Jung was born in 1875
• Aldous Huxley, the author of the dystopian Brave New World was born in 1894
• The Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 was signed into law

Huzzah!