Hellcat

We have adopted a new kitten. Her name is Sega, she is approximately 3 months old, and she was almost certainly born of the fiery depths of hell. This is no exaggeration. We didn't realize this when we first brought her home, but several clues and recent incidents have brought me to this conclusion about her nature.

1. She is actively trying to stop my husband and I from conceiving. My poor husband's precious cargo has been attacked more than once since she arrived on the scene. Some nights I've resorted to placing a teddy bear between his legs to act as a buffer while he sleeps.

2. She loves to torture our other cats. Or tries to, rather. You know that cliché scene in a cartoon when a little guy tries to beat up a big guy, but never even has a chance because all the BG has to do is set a hand on LG's head, easily keeping LG at arms-length, and even as LG swings and kicks for all he's worth, he never ever makes contact with BG? Yeah, it's kind of like that. She's fierce but she's tiny, and (for now, at least), most of their fights end up with the big cat looking bored and the little cat trapped under his paw looking furious.

3. She loves to torture me and my husband. Sega has attacked us in the middle of the night by biting our fingers and ears and doing that kicky thing to our heads and faces. My husband once complained that she actually started chewing on his eyelid in the middle of the night. Once I woke up to find her asleep on my face - I'm convinced that this was an effort to suffocate me, but she was unable to do the job properly with her tiny lightweight body. On more than one occasion I've fallen asleep in bed with the spray bottle in hand. For more evidence that she intends to do us harm, also see #1 above.

4. She has a very expressive face. By itself, this probably seems rather innocent. But have you ever seen a robot with a face designed to seem human? The loverbots from Artificial Intelligence spring to mind; their faces and expressions are just human enough to seem familiar, but inhuman enough to creep the ever-loving shit out of you (no offense to Jude Law). Sega's face is like that. I've never seen such an expressive animal, let alone a cat. Charlie has two different expressions and Rocky has exactly one. But I've witnessed a variety of near-human expressions flash across Sega's tiny face, and not only is it fascinating to watch, but it is almost certainly evil and a sign of the devil.

This is our boy Charlie's usual expression, known as Serene Keeper of the House:


This is Charlie's other expression, Love Me Forever:


This is Rocky's expression, Oblivious to Everything Around Him:


And this is Sega giving me the stink eye:


And shamelessly pilfering her brothers' food:


We don't have very many pictures of her yet (she rarely sits still), so I can't yet show you the whole kaleidoscope of evil, but I'm working on it.

There you have it. I am convinced that we have inadvertently welcomed Satan's Kitten into our loving home. I'm off to scoop her litter box* before she decides to slash my tires or leave a horse's head on my pillow.

*I'm not actually going to scoop her litter box. Potentially pregnant ladies are not supposed to do that.