Not all acts of prejudice are equal. Not every act is violent and not every act is hateful. Some are merely annoying or inconvenient. Some may be frightening while others may provoke a mere eyeroll. It's been years since I've actually been brought to tears over it, which means that I should probably count myself lucky.
This is the culture we live in:
At work: Just yesterday, one of my coworkers called another a "chink" and then quickly dismissed her as being oversensitive when she took offense. The day before, another coworker squinted his eyes at her and then told her that he was part Chinese. Last week yet another coworker (there is no shortage, I tell you!) went on a tirade about how interracial marriage is destroying the country.
Online: Ugh, there is no shortage. I frequently come upon psuedo-scholarly rants about how blacks are naturally inferior and less intelligent than whites in Youtube comments, web forums, comments sections in news articles - basically any medium in which anonymous users have the freedom to rant. It doesn't surprise me to see even the most foul and racially charged comments anywhere online, I suppose because I'm used to it.
Retail: While on vacation, Marcus and I went into a souvenir shop that had several t-shirt designs featuring the confederate flag and wonderful slogans such as "It's called the WHITE house for a reason."
Even our nation's holidays are no exception. The whole nation over, children are being taught that we celebrate Christopher Columbus every October because he "discovered" America. The fact that he was a bit of a murderous psychopath and the father of the TransAtlantic Slave Trade never seems worthy of mention. (Is it really progression to whitewash history and pretend that those things never happened, to celebrate a day that the indigenous people of this country rightfully mourn?)
I think about my childhood and I wonder if our children will endure anything like that. It wasn't awful, it certainly could have been worse...but it certainly could have been better. My brother and I were called nigger sometimes by our classmates. When i was 11, a couple of boys in our school threatened to stab me with a broken hula hoop (they swung it about an inch from my face) and then told my 8-year-old brother that they were going to cut off his penis. He was bullied constantly.
One incident that I don't think I'll ever forget happened to me in 7th grade. A black girl named Lynette joined our class (there were about 40 kids to a grade and 20 to a class - it was a very small school) and she was immensely liked by the popular kids. One of those popular girls, someone who had been my classmate for almost a decade, started talking to me at the start of the school year, which came as a surprise to me. She sought me out at lunchtime and talked to me about boys and makeup or some crap like that, and I just sort of tolerated her for a week or two, until the day she suddenly called me Lynette. Startled, I looked at her and stammered, "I'm not Lynette." This girl, who had known me since pre-K but apparently couldn't tell the difference between me and a complete stranger because of our skin color, just stared at me before saying, "Oh" and walking off, ignoring me ever after.
My brother and I never told anyone about the abuses we suffered in school due to our race, and now that I'm all grown up, I have to wonder why. I remember feeling like it was just the way things were and being certain that if I spoke up, I would not be taken seriously. The people that said these things were usually known as good or okay kids; would any of our teachers even believe us that they could be so hateful in secret? I knew that our parents would believe us, but honestly, I still don't know why I didn't tell them either. I hope that if our children are ever threatened or bullied (because of their skin color or any other reason) that they know that they'll be able talk to us about it.
I hope that my children know that I will always be their advocate.
I don't want to be "that" parent, the one that folks in the PTA hate for not being content with the status quo. Common practices that seem minor and harmless to lots of other people don't seem that way to me (for instance, many people would be horrified if their children brought home an assignment to "color the negro" or dressed up in blackface for a play at school - but it's perfectly acceptable to color a caricature of an Indian or to don a stereotypical costume?), and I'm going to raise my children according to my values. The woman in that link sent her son's assignment back uncompleted, which I think was appropriate. But what if he was punished by his teacher for it? I hate to think that my child could get caught in the middle of an ideological struggle because of me, that she may pay for something that she might not even totally understand.
But at the same time, I can't help my convictions. I can't help feeling that some things are worth fighting for even if it gets ugly, that comfort and approval from others is a small price to pay for doing what is right, that some unsavory truths must be dragged into the light if we're to ever achieve...harmony? I don't know. I don't know what I can realistically expect for our children's futures. I just know that I want my kids to be sensitive, to be aware of their privileges, to be grateful, and to be kind. And I want them to know that doing the right thing will sometimes mean pissing a lot of other people off, but that doesn't make it any less right.
8 comments:
I have to say that i feel very lucky for not encountering much in the way of racism at younger ages. I'm not sure how much of that has to do with parental protection (school selection, choice of neighborhood, etc.) or just chance. I hope that our children can be so lucky. On the other hand, because of this insulation, i wonder if i missed out on the ability to recognize subtler forms of racism, like the stereotypical native american costumes and the like.
One thing i'd like to make sure that our children are aware of, and that i want to make sure to teach them about early on, almost more than race, is the LGBTQ community. I only say "more than race" because racism is something they're more likely to face long before sexuality really becomes an issue for them, so i feel there will be more opportunity to teach them about the former than the latter. I'd very much prefer for our children not to have to deal with changing their views to the more tolerant only after learning "the hard way" like i did. Much better for them to have progressive views from the get-go.
Anyway, i'm mostly saying all this to say that i totally agree with you (or else we'd have a lot to talk about), and while i do have a degree of fear when wondering about the world our children will be born into and ultimately inherit, i am still hopeful.
Good post!
The Human Dignity Coalition (fights for queer and disabled-folks' rights) is right across the hall from the local Republicans' office. Someone from the Repub's group, when they found out they'd be across from us, made a comment that hopefully they'd "bring some morality to those queers."
Also, some random Repub volunteer wore a shirt to work one day that bore an image of Obama shining shoes, expressing that it was the only appropriate job for him. I wasn't there when either of these instances occurred, but a lady from the Repub office came over yesterday to apologize for the tshirt situation. She was a little old lady volunteer form the south it sounded like, and she seemed nervous. Heather and I agreed that we should post a flyer on our door that states, "Gay isn't infectious, don't be nervous."
It is a sad, pathetic fact that (mostly) these whities behave this way. My family were a bunch of quiet racists, but I didn't turn out that way, so there's hope I guess.
As for your kids - look at your own past. They will absolutely encounter discrimination, but it will serve to teach them that discrimination is wrong and unfair, and it will not permanently damage them, just as it has not permanently damaged you. It might jade them, but there's no way to protect kids from it. In fact, if we protect our children from it, they end up reaching adulthood living in an oblivious world of la-la-ladom. Then they have to realize things the hard way - like making racist comments at work and not realizing (or caring) that they've actually offended someone.
Sigh. It's hard being white on the outside and black, red, or yellow on the inside. I love you.
Whoops! I was supposed to be signed in as myself, not my girlfriend! D'oh.
I didn't start to recognize the more subtle stuff until I started doing my own reading about Native American history and how we perceive them in our culture today. It isn't anything that suddenly came to me - which is one of the reasons I think that it's been so pervasive. Because a lot of stuff really DOES seem innocent until a little bit of extra information casts a different light on the situation. It doesn't help that most of us are painted this rosy picture of colonization that is partially or wholly fabricated starting in pre-K.
I think/hope that our kids will be more sensitive to LGBTQ issues, especially because of all of their lesbian aunts, and the fact that some of the children they will grow up with and love will have two mommies. The idea of a gay family isn't going to be this mysterious sideshow for our kids like it might be for others, because those families will be a part of their family too.
Ugh, I've started writing and I don't have enough time to finish (I've gotta leave for dogdgeball!). I'll come back to this later.
I think really, the more a kid is exposed to things and observes the parents' responses to it, the less shocking things become. ie, growing up around lesbians will help the child to say, "There's nothing wrong with lesbians," when his friends say, "Faggots suck." At least part of it is exposure, anyway, I think. They might be surprised at discrimination and question what their own thoughts have been, but at least they won't have parents making hateful comments and actions - that's the most important part.
Look at that, your a mom already! I think with your beliefs being as strong as they are, you will have no problem raising well educated and compassionate children. Kids feed off of their parents actions and clearly, before you have even had any children, you are on the right track to teaching them to be strong minded individuals. You two will enjoy your journey and I can't wait for it to begin.
I think that there are some times when we have to teach our kids the hard lesson that doing the right thing sometimes causes us pain. I would be the parent who sent back the assignment uncompleted, even if it meant that my child was punished. I can tell you that if they were, I would be the first parent banging on the school door demanding answers and apologies (to my child), but i wouldn't prevent it happening in the first place. Ideals need to be stood up for, and I would be proud to have a child who was prepared to do so.
The Broken Man
This is why I love the internet- I had no idea until reading this article what race you were, and should it matter? No. I'm sorry to hear about all the horrible things you had to endure growing up, it makes me just sick.
I do think the internet frusterates those racists though, because they may find out that someone they consider a dear friend online is someone they would never speak to in person and be confronted with thier own sick ways of thinking. Perhaps it will help some people to think differently.
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