Letter To My Husband

Do you think we'd have been better off never getting pregnant in the first place? I guess I'm sort of wondering if it really is better to have loved and lost, as the saying goes. I guess I don't know if the excitement and the joy I felt when we thought we were going to have a baby was worth the sorrow I feel now. To say that nothing positive has come out of this would be untrue, as loathe as I am to admit that. I feel like you and I have reached a new level in communication, and I think that our relationship in general has been made stronger than it was. And as much as this sucks, and as hard as this is, I'm still alive and I still want to be alive, and I'd always imagined that something like this would spell my doom; so I'm finding out that I am stronger than I knew that I was, and I love my life more than I knew, and this isn't the worst thing in the world that could happen, although it is the worst thing that has happened to me so far. I also think that it's a good thing that we're now on the same page as far as having kids; it was so hard before, when I wanted so badly to start a family soon and you just weren't there with me on that.

But all the silver lining in the world doesn't change the fact that, more than anything, I would rather still be pregnant. I would rather have a second heartbeat inside me instead of the emptiness and loneliness of just...me. Before, I could touch my belly and think about what was there and send good thoughts; now there's nothing but a line, a scar. There's nothing growing, nothing changing. There is nothing made of you inside me. It's just me, alone.

I can't help but think of how you cried when the nurse told us that we were going to have a baby, and how we held each other and smiled and just were amazed by ourselves and what we had done together. Can we be that hopeful the next time? Or will we just be afraid? I don't know. I am trying to see if I still have that excitement in me somewhere and I'm just not finding it. I'm just afraid to have to go through this again, or something even worse than this.

I'm just sad, and I can't stop thinking, and I wish that I could. It helps to be at home, it helps to have something to look forward to when I get off work tonight. But there are so many reminders even there. Last night I picked up the packet of new baby papers we got from Planned Parenthood off of my nightstand and threw them on the floor on the other side, where I couldn't see them. The last time we were in the house I threw away the pregnancy test. There is just all this stuff that I pored over, took pictures of, daydreamed about, and I have to sweep it all out of my house and out of my mind, or at least put it away for the next time, because it's of no use to me now. It's just so hard and nothing will let me forget. Not even for a little while.

I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight.

Love,
Me