Letter To My Husband

Do you think we'd have been better off never getting pregnant in the first place? I guess I'm sort of wondering if it really is better to have loved and lost, as the saying goes. I guess I don't know if the excitement and the joy I felt when we thought we were going to have a baby was worth the sorrow I feel now. To say that nothing positive has come out of this would be untrue, as loathe as I am to admit that. I feel like you and I have reached a new level in communication, and I think that our relationship in general has been made stronger than it was. And as much as this sucks, and as hard as this is, I'm still alive and I still want to be alive, and I'd always imagined that something like this would spell my doom; so I'm finding out that I am stronger than I knew that I was, and I love my life more than I knew, and this isn't the worst thing in the world that could happen, although it is the worst thing that has happened to me so far. I also think that it's a good thing that we're now on the same page as far as having kids; it was so hard before, when I wanted so badly to start a family soon and you just weren't there with me on that.

But all the silver lining in the world doesn't change the fact that, more than anything, I would rather still be pregnant. I would rather have a second heartbeat inside me instead of the emptiness and loneliness of just...me. Before, I could touch my belly and think about what was there and send good thoughts; now there's nothing but a line, a scar. There's nothing growing, nothing changing. There is nothing made of you inside me. It's just me, alone.

I can't help but think of how you cried when the nurse told us that we were going to have a baby, and how we held each other and smiled and just were amazed by ourselves and what we had done together. Can we be that hopeful the next time? Or will we just be afraid? I don't know. I am trying to see if I still have that excitement in me somewhere and I'm just not finding it. I'm just afraid to have to go through this again, or something even worse than this.

I'm just sad, and I can't stop thinking, and I wish that I could. It helps to be at home, it helps to have something to look forward to when I get off work tonight. But there are so many reminders even there. Last night I picked up the packet of new baby papers we got from Planned Parenthood off of my nightstand and threw them on the floor on the other side, where I couldn't see them. The last time we were in the house I threw away the pregnancy test. There is just all this stuff that I pored over, took pictures of, daydreamed about, and I have to sweep it all out of my house and out of my mind, or at least put it away for the next time, because it's of no use to me now. It's just so hard and nothing will let me forget. Not even for a little while.

I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight.

Love,
Me

And The Beat Goes On (But Not the Heartbeat, Of Course)

I'm going to try to keep this up, even if no one is reading it (and I don't think anyone is). I would hate to give up a domain name as wonderfully witty as "howtobeapregnantlady[.blogspot].com."
And even though the next pregnancy won't be unplanned, I'll still want to talk about it when it happens.

Should I Bother?

I am undecided on whether or not I want to continue this blog. I'm not quite sure what the point would be, seeing as we have to wait a couple of months before trying to conceive again. I could pour my heart out about what's been going on in my head these last awful weeks, but I've got more private venues in which to do that, and I'm not sure what the benefit of cross-posting would be anyway. So far as I know, the only people that read this blog are the ones that have access to my other journal, so it would just be redundant.

And I don't really know if I feel like posting in anything titled "How to Be" something that I am not. I'm not pregnant. Nothing special is going on here. Not anymore.

First Ultrasound Today

There was no heartbeat. I guess we're done here.

Everybody Loves Pap Smears

Today I am 8w5d along, and in about an hour I'll be meeting my ob/gyn for the first time. My husband is coming with me, which means that he gets to witness a pap smear for the first time in his life, and hopefully we'll get to see the little fetoid's heartbeat on the screen as well. I've been looking forward to this day ever since I found out that I was pregnant, but I've been entirely too distracted by enduring several hours of constant dry heaving to really be excited.

Today by far has been the most nauseating and halitosis-inducing day of my pregnancy. I'm a little better now, but for the first four hours of my day, I'd start gagging and belching every time I walked too quickly or drove over a bump...

Author's note: This entry was started before my ultrasound appointment and never finished because of the circumstances. I'm publishing it now to satisfy some weird compulsive need.